You will recall that the doctor was dressed in red, because of the previous night’s dinner appointment. Moreover, Dermot was a little man, and his gold-laced hat and ponderous shoe-buckles completed the ensemble, which Danny immediately assumed to belong to the spirit that he had been hunting for. Danny was certain that, at long last, he had discovered a Leprechaun. He was so amazed by his discovery that he was riveted to the spot, and his pulse was beat so fast, that he could not move or breathe freely for some seconds. When he had recovered his senses, and he began to make his way stealthily to the place where the doctor was sleeping slept. As he moved closer to the doctor he became increasingly certain that what he was seeing was, indeed, his long sought prize. When he came within reach of his goal, Danny made one great jump, landing on the unfortunate little man, fastening his huge hand around his throat while, at the same time, he let out a cheer of triumph, “By God, my Bucko! I have finally got the hold of you!”
Being suddenly and violently aroused from his drunken stupor, the poor little doctor was shocked and bewildered. As he opened his eyes, he met the ferocious glare of triumphant and delighted Danny Kelly. “What’s happening?” he gurgled because that was all that the iron grip of Danny’s hand upon his throat would allow him to do.
“Gold!” shouted Danny. “Gold! gold! gold!”
“What about gold?” asked a panicking doctor.
“Is it Paddy Gold you’re talking about? Has he taken ill again?” asked the doctor, rubbing his eyes to make sure he wasn’t dreaming the whole thing. “Jaysus, man, don’t choke me. I will go immediately,” he said as he tried to get up on his feet.
Danny tightened his hold on the doctor and telling him, “By God, you won’t.”
“For Christ’s sake, will you let me go?” the doctor roared.
“Let you go? Aye, that would be the clever thing to do! I don’t think so”
“Will you let me go, you crazy eejit?”
“Gold! gold! you little vagabond!”
“Well I’m going, if you’ll allow me.”
“The Devil a step you’ll be taking,” Danny told him and his grip tightened so as to almost choke him.
“Oh, murder! Murder, For God’s sake!”
“Weesht, you thief! How dare you speak of God, you devil’s imp!”
The poor little man, upset by the suddenness of his waking and the roughness of the treatment he was receiving, was in a state of complete bewilderment. For the first time he now realised that he was lying on grass and under bushes. Rolling his eyes in his search for help, Dermot began to shout, “Where am l? God help me!”
“Weesht! you crooked little trickster – I swear by all that’s holy, if you say God again, I’ll cut your throat.”
“What are you gripping on to me so tightly?”
“Just in case you might try to vanish! See how well I know you, you blackguard.”
“Then, for God’s sake, if you know me so well, please treat me with proper respect.”
“Respect, indeed? That’s a good thing for you to ask. So, to hell with respect! Damn your impudence, you thieving old rogue.”
“Who taught you to call your betters such names? How dare you use a professional gentleman like me so roughly?”
“Oh, do you hear him! – a professional gentleman, is it? Do you not think I know you, you little old cobbler?”
“Cobbler? Christ’s sake man, what do you mean, you buck eejit? Let me go, now!” scolded the doctor as he struggled violently to rise from the ground.
“Not one inch will you go out of here until give me what I want.”
“What is it you want, then?”
“So you’re a thief and you want to rob me, do you?”
“What robbery are you talking about? That won’t work, even though you think yourself to be clever, and you won’t frighten me either. Come on, now, give it to me immediately. You might as well since I’ll never let go of my grip of you until you hand over the gold.”
“‘ I swear to God that I possess no gold or silver. All I have is four shillings in the pockets of my trousers, which you are most welcome to if you let go of my throat.”
“Four-shillings! What makes you think that I’m such a gobshite, that I will be satisfied with a lousy four-shillings. You know, for three straws, I would thrash you within an inch of your life this very minute for your impudence. Come, no more nonsense from you and out with the gold you’re hiding!”
“I have no gold, so don’t choke me. If you murder me, remember there’s law in this land, so you would be better letting me go.”
“Not an inch! Give me the gold, I tell you, you little vagabond!” said Danny as he began shaking him very violently.
“Don’t murder me, for Heaven’s sake!”
“I will murder you if you don’t give me a hatful of gold this minute!”
“A hatful of gold? Who exactly do you take me for?”
“Sure, I know you’re a Leprechaun, you damned deceiver!”
“A Leprechaun?” asked the doctor, in mingled indignation and amazement. “Jaysus, big man. You’ve made a terrible mistake.”
“Do I look stupid? No, of course I’m not! I have you now, and I’ll hold on to you. I’ve been looking for you for such a long time, and I’ve caught you at last. Be sure that I will either have your life or the gold.”
“Dear Jaysus, young man, you are making a mistake! I’m not a Leprechaun! I’m Doctor McFlynn.”
“That’s more lies! You’re trying to trick me, but it will not work. Do you think I don’t know the difference between a doctor and a Leprechaun. Just give me the gold, you old cheat!”
“I tell you, I’m Doctor Dermot McFlynn. Mind what you’re doing, there are laws in this land, and I think I’m beginning to recognise you. You’re that eejit Kelly!”
“Oh, you are a cunning old thief, and a complete old rogue. But, I’m far too clever for you. You just want to frighten me. You are a no-good trickster, and you’ll do anything to get away!”
“Your name is Kelly! I remember you, so take care what you do. Surely you know me? I’m Doctor McFlynn, can’t you see that I am?”
“Well, you have the dirty yellow pinched look of him, sure enough. But I know you are just trying to trick me and, besides, the doctor has dirty old, tattered black clothes on him. He isn’t all dressed in red like you.”
“But, that’s an accident, for God’s sake.”
“Give me the gold this minute, and no more of your old nonsense.”
“I tell you, Kelly–”
“Hold your tongue, and give me the gold.”
“By all that’s–”
“Will you give it to me?”
“How can I?”
“Have it your way, then. You’ll see what the end of it will be,” said Danny, as he rose up, but he still kept his iron grip on the doctor. “Now, for the last time, I ask you, will you give me the gold? or by all that’s holy, I will put you where you’ll never see daylight until you make me a rich man.”
“I swear, I have no gold.”
“Well, then, I’ll keep a hold of you until you find it,” said Danny, who tucked the little man into a headlock with his arm, and he ran home with him as fast as he could.
He kicked at the door of his cottage to gain entry, when he reached home, calling out, “Let me in! let me in! Hurry up, woman, I have him.”
“Who have you?” asked Una, as she opened the door.
“Look at that!” said Danny in triumph. “I caught him at last!”
“It’s a Leprechaun, isn’t it?” said Una.
“A devil of a one,” said Danny, throwing the doctor down upon the bed, while still holding him tightly. “Open the big chest, Una, and we’ll lock him up in it! And we’ll keep him until he gives us the gold.”
“Murder! murder!” screamed the doctor. “You’re going to lock me up in a chest!”
“Give me the gold, then, and I won’t.”
“Dear Jaysus, how many times do I have to tell you that I have no gold to give you.”
“Don’t believe him, Danny darling,” said Una. “Those Leprechauns are the biggest liars in all the world.”
“Sure, I know that!” said Danny, “as well as you do. Oh, all the trouble I’ve had with him, and only because I’m so knowledgeable, he’d have confounded me long ago.”
“Well done to you, Danny dear!”‘
“Mrs. Kelly,” said the doctor.
“Oh, Lord!” said Una, in surprise, “did you ever hear the likes of that? How does he know my name!”
“Of course he does,” said Danny, “and why shouldn’t he? Sure, he’s a fairy, you know.”
“I’m no fairy, Mrs. Kelly. I’m a doctor! Doctor McFlynn.”
“Don’t you believe him, darling,” said Danny. “Hurry up now and open the chest.”
“Danny Kelly,” said the doctor, “let me go, and I’ll cure you whenever you want my assistance.”
“Well, I want your assistance now,” said Danny, “for I’m very bad right now with poverty, and if you cure me of that, I’ll let you go.”
“What will become of me?” asked the doctor in despair, as Danny carried him towards the big chest which Una had opened.
“I’ll tell you what’ll become of you,” said Danny, and he took hold of a hatchet that lying within his reach. “By all the saints in heaven, if you don’t agree to fill that big chest full of gold for me before midnight, I’ll chop you into small pieces for the pot.” And with that Danny crammed him into the box.
“Oh, Mrs. Kelly, have mercy on me,” said the doctor, “and whenever you’re sick I’ll attend you.”
“God forbid!” said Una, “it’s not the likes of you that I’ll want when I’m sick. Attend me, indeed! The devil a bit of it, you little imp, maybe you’d run away with my baby, or it’s a Banshee you would turn yourself into, and sing for my death. Shut him up, Danny, for it’s not lucky to be talking with the likes of him.”
“Oh!” roared the doctor, as his cries were stifled by the lid of the chest being closed on him. The key was turned in the lock, and Una sprinkled some holy water over it, from a little bottle that hung in one corner of the cottage, to prevent the fairy from having any power upon it.
Danny and Una now sat down to discuss things, and they began forming their plans as to what they would do with their money. They were certain of the gold, now that the Leprechaun was completely in their power. Now and then Danny would get up from his seat and go over to the chest, much in the same way as one goes to the door of a room where a naughty child has been locked up. They just want to know “if the child is good yet,” and giving a thump on the lid, would call out, “Well, you little thief, will you give me the gold yet?”
A groan and a faint answer of denial was all the reply Danny received.
“Very well, stay there. But remember, if you don’t give in before midnight, I’ll chop you to pieces.” He then got hold of a bill-hook, and began to sharpen it close to the chest, so that the Leprechaun might hear him. When the poor doctor heard these preparations being made, he felt more dead than alive. He could hear the horrid scraping of the iron against the stone, interspersed with the occasional torment from Danny, such as, “Do you hear that, you thief? I’m getting ready for you.” Then away he’d rasp at the grindstone again, and as he paused to feel the edge of the weapon, he would exclaim: “By Jaysus, I’ll have this as sharp as a razor soon.”
In the meantime, the prisoner was very lucky that there were many large chinks in the chest, or else suffocation from his confinement would have brought about the fate that Danny had promised him. Now that things appeared likely to go hard with him, the doctor began to think that he should pretend to be what Danny mistook him for and, perhaps, regain his freedom by underhand methods. To this end, when Darby had finished sharpening his bill-hook, the doctor replied, in answer to one of Danny’s demands for gold, that he saw it was no point in delaying any to give it to his captor. He admitted that Darby was far too cunning for him, and that he was now ready to make him the richest man in the country. “I’ll take no less than the full of that chest,” said Danny.
“You shall have ten chests full of’ it, Danny,” promised the doctor, “if you’ll only do what I bid you.”
“Sure, I’ll do anything.”
“Well, you will have to prepare the mysticnitrationserumandsodiumcarbonlite.”
“Holy Christ, what is that and how do I prepare it?”
“Silence, Danny Kelly, and listen to me. This is a magical ointment, which I will show you how to make and, whenever you want gold, all you have to do is to rub a little of the ointment on the point of a pick-axe, or your spade, and dig wherever you please for you will always be sure to find treasure.”
“Oh, just think of that! Be sure that I’ll make plenty of it when you show me how it is made?”
“First of all, you must go into the town, Danny, and get me three things, and fold them three times in three rags that have been torn out of the left side of a petticoat that has not known water for a year.”
“Well, I can do that much, anyhow,” said Una, who immediately began tearing the required pieces out of her under-garment.
“And what three things am I to get you?”
“First bring me a grain of salt from a house that stands at a cross roads.”
“Cross roads?” asked Danny, who lucked at Una with a puzzled expression.
“By my soul, but it’s my dream that’s coming to reality!”
“Silence, Danny Kelly,” said the doctor, solemnly. “Mark me, Danny Kelly” he told him and proceeded to repeat a load of gibberish to Danny, which he told him to remember and then to repeat back to him. Danny could not do this and the doctor said he would write it down for him, and tearing a leaf from his pocket-book, he began to write in pencil. Knowing Danny could not read, the doctor wrote down the condition that he was in, and requested help to free him. He then told Danny to deliver the note to the Chemist shop in the town, and they would provide him with a drug that was the key to successfully complete the ointment.
Following Dermot’s instructions, Danny went to the Chemist Shop, and it happened to be dinner-time when he arrived. The Pharmacist had a few friends dining with him, and Danny was detained until they all chose to leave the table and to go in a group to liberate the poor little doctor. He was pulled out of the chest amid the laughter of his liberators and the fury of Danny and Una, both of whom made put up a considerable fight against being robbed of their prize. Finally, the doctor’s friends got him out of the house, and proceeded to the town for some supper. There, the whole party kept getting magnificently drunk, until sleep plunged them into dizzy dream, of Leprechauns and Fairy Finders. For several days after this the doctor swore to have vengeance against Danny, and threatened a prosecution. But, Dermot’s friends recommended that he should let the matter rest, because it would only bring it to public attention and gain him nothing but laughter for damages. As for Danny Kelly there was nothing or no-one who could ever persuade him that it was not a red Leprechaun he had caught. He swore that it was by some dark magic performed by the fairy that caused it to change form itself into the resemblance of the doctor. Danny often said that the great mistake he made at that time was “giving the little thief so much time, for if he had the chance again he would have immediately cut his throat.”
© Jim Woods Nov 2017